Lost

    

Have you ever felt so lost and confused that you don't even know which way is up? 

    Months ago, I was in such a state of misdirection and distress. I didn't know who I was, who I wanted to be. I felt like I had never been so clueless in my life. I ended things with the love in my life, I failed a class, et cetera. I was drowning and I didn't know where the surface was. 

    So, I got on antidepressants. For the best, I suppose. And school ended, summer kicked in, and I got thrown into the insane summer itinerary I had planned for myself. Little time to feel depressed, lots of time to make money and learn new things and let myself get taken away by a whirlwind of movement. 

    Now, I'm sitting in my bed. I have a flight on Tuesday for the last excursion on my list. 

    I'm getting that lost feeling again. 

    It's so all consuming that it's very difficult to have any sort of idea how to move forward. I'm on a pretty significant dose of Wellbutrin, and my distress is magnified by the fact that my medication should be working but I still feel this way. 

    It could be the fact that it's 11 pm as I write this and maybe I need some sleep. Still, the feeling is so interesting. 

    Tears bite at my eyes but I'm so locked in my head that I don't even feel sad. My body is experiencing emotion but my consciousness is not attached to it. 

    I can sense all of my emotions existing under the surface, but as I try to look at them I'm obstructed by a thick film of contortion and all I can see are vague shapes and colors, if that. 

    I've reached a certain point in life where the answers do not appear in front of me anymore. Up until this point, there was always a right thing to do, I just had to find it. Do the logical thing. Do the thing that you know will be good for you. 

    Now, there's too many options and I don't know myself well enough to know what the future holds. Is my major the right choice for my life? How do I not even know what sort of jobs I want to have when I grow up. 

    When I was young I was such a dreamer. I knew in my heart that I would be successful. I felt so strongly that I would make it and do great things. 

    Now, I'm seeing my future as a bit more up to interpretation. 

    Free will is scaring me. I don't want to be in control. 

    I could fuck up everything and no one would stop me. I could become corrupt. I could cut off my whole family. I could make wrong choice after wrong choice and be none the wiser. 

    I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I'm scared, I'm confused. 

    It's occurred to me over these past months that there is no right answer. No one out there knows my life better than I do and is waiting there with the answer to my questions. The only person that can decide what's right for me is me. 

    So, anyways, I got back with my ex a couple weeks ago. Maybe that was the right choice, maybe not. Who's to say. 

Love, 

     Secret