"Seriously? No one comforted you?"
I wasn't sure how to get it through his head that yes, it was no one.
"I just assumed everyone else had coddled you so I didn't want to do the same thing."
Well, it seems that most people had also taken up that selfless task.
The thing that got to me wasn't him getting on my ass about it, or him being so shocked that no one was nice to me about it even though I had told him that multiple times.
The thing that got to me is what happened next.
Something along the lines of...
"Do you want me to do that for you now? Since you never got it?"
No, that is stupid. It was two years ago, I don't need to be comforted two years later.
Oops! And then I'm crying.
And then he's going, "It wasn't your fault."
And I don't believe him.
"It wasn't your fault."
"It wasn't your fault."
"It wasn't your fault."
And now I feel like Matt Damon in 'Good Will Hunting' and I feel silly but damn I needed that so bad and I bet my therapist will approve.
<3
There's an interesting phenomenon that occurs inside of me whenever I am trying to express strong emotions to another person. I start feeling like everything I'm trying to say sounds like the script from a movie, which makes me feel like it's fake, which makes me not want to say it. This leads me to try and come up with a 'less dramatic' version of what I was going to say, but sometimes no such option exists. Unfortunately, what follows is usually silence.
My strange inability to take anything seriously rests on the crux of one important fact I find myself forgetting:
Art imitates life.
Scripts are doing their very best to sound like real people talking.
I am the life they are trying to imitate and yet I'm afraid of living?
In addition to all that for some reason I feel as if when I think the dramatic thing before saying the dramatic thing, it makes me manipulative? Or fake?
Give me a break.
Can't a girl just have feelings without a side of self hatred? Perhaps I'm being dramatic in dramatic situations, hmm?
<3
So, every time I think back to that moment of, "it's not your fault", I get vaguely uncomfortable and I'm not sure why. Do I still think it was my fault? Am I embarrassed of showing weakness in front of someone who, god forbid, loves and cares for me?
At the end of the day, how do you move past things without letting them consume you? How do you accept something that has happened, and accept that it was horrible, and also somehow prevent it from destroying you?
Many questions today, dear reader, and not very many answers.
Love,
Secret
